I'm so quick to say i'm fine but, I know i'm not at all. I wish I wasn't so scared to talk and open up. I try to meditate at night to ease my mind because, it turns to 3 am so fast that I don't mean to stay up late. I want to be better for me but, I feel like I won't ever become that person with this cloud over me. I try to be a better person but, I always get overruled by my mind and turn angry against the world or emotional. Sometimes I just want to talk to myself and not say anything to anybody because, I don't want them to know how bad I want to escape my mind and disappear from this earth. I don't want friends or a relationship but, someone to listen. Yes, I smile and laugh with family or when somebody is talking to me casually because, I don't want to show that i'm so sad about so much. Yes, he made me love me and my body and that's why I hold on to the thought of him. I don't feel pretty and I continue to hate my body once again. I won't write about him because, I've done that enough. The last time I was happy was with a boy. I haven't had any good sleep for months now. I don't want to self harm or kill myself but, taking pills sounds like a good night of sleep for once. me keeping all of my emotions in with everything that's going on in my head. I know i'm a disappointment, i've been told. From the psoriasis to the bullying in middle school (read 180), to me getting kicked out of madison and then getting a horrible score on the ACT and now dropping out of college. but everything is coming back so slowly but surely. I never knew I was really depressed just down from certain things. somehow like that black shadow back in middle school in my read 180 class. This dark cloud keeps following me around. I feel hopeless, guilty, afraid, like a failure, dumb and most of all sad. I don't know why I keep thinking about dying and not caring deep inside if something happened to me. I tried so hard to fight those thoughts and focus on the test but, I just couldn't. I remember taking this reading test to get in-state tuition for college because, I was too stupid to get a high enough score on the ACT and the only thing I could think of was ways something bad could go wrong right in that moment for example: school shooting, earthquake, or someone just coming in and stabbing me or something. I always think the worse of everything and it's always ending with me getting hurt really bad in some way. I feel like the world would be better off without me. ![]() and the worse one of them all at night, when my thoughts take control. during the day laughing with family or doing something enjoyable. Everyday I feel like this sometimes in the morning waking up with this sadness on my mind.
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